Deja Vu All Over Again

My son has been getting speech therapy for the past month.   As you can probably imagine, I am pretty concerned about him having any sort of delay.  

Whenever I tell someone that he is getting speech therapy, they ask, "How on earth can they already tell if there is a speech delay, he's not even a year old?"  People sometimes say things like, "I am sure he will be fine"," You are just looking for something to be wrong", or "He's a boy.  Boys talk later than girls".  Well, I pray that all of these things are true, but I know that it won't help anything if I just stick my head in the sand and ignore reality.  If he does have autism, early intervention is key.  The earlier we can start therapies, the better chance he has at overcoming any developmental obstacles he is facing.  At ten months he wasn't saying anything but "Aaaah".  Not ma-ma, da-da, ga-ga, ba-ba, etc.  They identify that as a communication delay, so we started speech therapy.

We are trying to be optimistic.  But even though we hope for the best,  we try to prepare ourselves for the worst.  Research has shown that siblings of children with autism tend to have speech delays.  With my son, it probably has to do with the fact that my daughter will scream at him or throw a tantrum when he starts babbling.  I don't know if it just gets on her nerves or what the exact problem is, but I can't seem to stop her from fussing when he makes vocalizations.  In ABA therapy we sometimes bring my son into the sessions so we can try to identify ways that we can get them to play together more, and her tolerance for his babbling and his constant attempts to get into her space will get better.  

I do recognize that my children are very different from one another.  My son does things that I don't remember my daughter doing.  He laughs easily, he cries when people leave the room, and he dances to music.  It took a lot to make my daughter laugh, she could have cared less whether anyone else was in the room or not, and I never remember her bouncing up and down to music.  Socially, my son is very age appropriate.  He smiles, laughs and cries when he wants your attention.  All good things.

 I pray that my son doesn't have autism.  In no way does this mean that I don't love my daughter for the amazing person she is.  She is so smart.  She is only four and can read and count to who knows how high, but I know her life would be so much easier if she was "normal".  It is so sad when she doesn't play with or even pay attention to her little brother.   It hurts my heart when she completely ignores other kids and then they look at her funny; when she goes somewhere like dance class and starts running around singing songs instead of sitting down like the other little girls, I hate it when I see other mothers start to whisper about her.  I accept her totally for the person she is, but I know that she has a very hard road ahead of her.

My son is already making progress with his babbling.  I am hoping that he is just a little delayed, but in the back of my mind I will always be wondering if he could be on the spectrum also.  

We thought about that possibility when we decided to have another child.  Since they don't know what causes autism, it could be genetic.  We really struggled with the decision to have another baby.  We finally decided that God had given my daughter to us for a reason, and if he decided to bless us with another child, no matter what, that is what we would view it as, a blessing.  

I am a better person for having been given the opportunity to raise her.  I am much more patient, much less hot headed, and I don't worry over the little things that I have no control over.  I have learned to accept that God is in control and not me.  For a somewhat controlling person, this has not been easy.  I like having a plan.  I like knowing what is coming up next.  He has no doubt shown me that my insistence on always having to have a plan was ludicrous.  I have no real control over anything.  I just have to take each situation as it comes, and adapt as best I can to whatever is placed in my path.

Since my daughter was diagnosed, I have found that I can make all the plans in the world, but I still have no idea what tomorrow will bring.  I try my best to take life day by day and to enjoy the little victories instead of waiting for something really big to rejoice in.  I have to be happy where I am.  Who knows where I will be tomorrow?