The journey continues...

So here it is.  Our second child has recently been diagnosed with autism.  My husband is angry, and I am somewhat in denial.  My denial is due to some outlying factors.  For one, my son also had a massive amount of fluid on his ears at the time of the diagnosis and has since had tubes placed.  For another,  some other people have said that they didn’t agree with the diagnosis, so that has me totally second guessing everything.  I guess only time will tell.

Having a second child diagnosed is no easier than the first.  Actually, it is sort of worse because now we know what he has in store for him.  Years of therapy, difficulty making friends, rude looks from people who don’t have a clue what we are dealing with.  Once again, it brings up the fact that these kids look normal.  People jump to conclusions about my parenting skills, or lack thereof, because my children have no physical attributes that would cause someone to think, “of course that child has special needs”.

It is so hard because, my husband and I have totally different ways of coping.  When crises occur, I tend to dive into church or bible study.  I have numerous friends that I can call at any time when I need to vent.  My husband gets angry.  He is so upset about the fact that we have another child on the spectrum.  As a man though, he doesn’t talk about it to anyone about his feelings.  As he says, “What good is talking going to do?  It won’t change anything.”  The few things that he does say are so negative, that I can only listen to it so long before I shut him down.  I know that it’s not the thing that I should do, but when someone is talking about your babies, you, as a mother, tend to get defensive.  I rationally know that this is my husband’s way of dealing with things, and he just needs to go through the process, but sometimes the mama bear in me comes out full force.

Since I don’t talk negatively and dwell on what is wrong in my life, sometimes I think that my husband thinks that I am not struggling whatsoever.  The opposite is happening.  I struggle from minute to minute.  I have two kids that need me now more than ever. I have doctor’s appointments and numerous therapies to schedule.  I can’t breakdown, because no one is there to pick up the slack.  Besides, if I am constantly upset, they feel it.  They know when we as parents are unhappy whether they can relay it to us or not.

I learned a long time ago that there are times in your life that you just have to “put on your big girl panties and deal”.  It helps me to think about all of the positives that have occurred with my daughter.  She has done things that I have never thought possible.  If you had told me when she was first diagnosed that she would be in a dance recital and doing the same movements as the other children, I wouldn’t have believed it.  Last month, she did a phenomenal job in her dance recital.  She loves everything about dance.  It is one of the things that she will actually talk about out of the blue.  I love that!  My husband is mourning the loss of what he had planned for my son’s life.  As he calls it, “the boy stuff”.  The baseball, football and soccer that may never come to be.  My view is that, we never thought our daughter would do what she has done, overcome what she has overcome, but she has more than risen to the occasion time after time.  Our son will hopefully do the same.  

I told my husband today, if we constantly focus on the negative instead of the positive, we will never be happy.  When you have children with special needs, you have to focus on the positives.  There is so much stacked against them that we as parents must celebrate all of the small things.  

I have learned so much from being the mother of a child with autism.  I am more patient, less judgmental of others, and I don’t get as riled up about the stuff that doesn’t matter.  When the time comes that I need to advocate for my child, however, that inner fire comes back with a vengeance. My life has been so much improved by having a child with special needs.  God gave these children to me for a reason.  It is my responsibility to rise to the challenge.