The view from down here.

I was recently at an event with a group of mothers who were discussing delayed speech in children and when the appropriate time was to call Early Intervention in for an evaluation.  From my perspective, it is never too early.  If they find nothing, great.  But if they do find a delay, they can start therapy immediately.  If the child catches up, as most of the kids in Early Intervention do, the therapy can be stopped.  If  by chance they have a developmental disorder such as autism, the earlier the intervention is started the better.  If a parent is concerned about their child's development, contacting Early Intervention is a critical step toward their child succeeding in their preschool years and continuing to succeed in their future academic career.  

While the idea of delays and the need for Early Intervention was being discussed, one mother found it imperative to point out while Early Intervention is a good thing, it is also up to the parents to work with their children to teach them to speak. I felt she implied that if your child is not speaking at an age appropriate level, you as a mother must not be pushing them hard enough.  I am sure that she meant no harm in her comment.  But as a mother of a child with autism and another child with a speech delay, I know that I have tried everything I could think of to get my children to speak. This situation was just another instance where it was implied that I was to blame for my children's delays. 

I remember when my daughter was first diagnosed with autism someone at worked asked me, 'How do they know she has autism?".  I was still trying to understand the diagnosis myself.  The only thing I knew to tell her was that my daughter was two and didn't even have five words yet.  Her response was, "Oh, she's your first child.  You must do everything for her and she doesn't have to speak".  It was like I had been punched in the stomach.  Telling a mother that she must be the reason for her child's delays is extremely unfair.  Personally, my kids don't sit  in front of the television for hours on end.  I don't do every little thing for them enabling them to stay silent.  I get in the floor and play with them every day.  I make animal noises, car sounds and I try to teach them to play pretend with their dolls and action figures.  In other words, I have done and continue to do, everything in my power to get them to communicate.  

Sometimes, you just need a professional to come in to help jump start your child's communication.  The coaching that I have received from the speech therapists through Early Intervention has been invaluable.  The therapists are able to educate the parents on the best way to teach their children to communicate.  They work with children with speech delays every day.  They have the training to know what to do when nothing else has worked.  Often, even the most logical things can get overlooked when a mother is so consumed with worry that she can't even begin to think about how to teach her toddler to talk.  

The doctor once told me that my daughter would learn to communicate in the same way that I would learn a foreign language.  That totally made sense to me.  She just wasn't going to learn to talk just by being exposed to the language as most kids do.  It was going to be lots of work to teach her how to verbally interact.  It has even been suggested that I get the English version of Rosetta Stone to teach her how to speak appropriately and carry on  conversations.  I could have waited until the end of time to give her something to eat or play with.  It still wouldn't have forced her to speak when she didn't have the fundamental ability.  She wasn't wired to understand information the same way other, neuro-typical children learn. 

I know people mean well, but when a child is delayed, the last thing a mother needs to hear is that she isn't trying hard enough to get them to talk or interact.  It is very easy to look down your nose at others and judge when you are on the outside looking in. You may not even realize that is what you are doing.  A mother of normally developing children may think The mother of normally developing children may think that there should be a very simple fix to a child not speaking. But whe But, when a child is truly developmentally delayed, things aren't so easy.  When you have  a child that you can't get to look at you much less talk to you, communicating with that child feels like an enormous mountain you are continually trying to climb.   When a child is not developing normally, all the mother really needs to hear are words of support and encouragement, not wagging fingers and shaking heads.